Secrets OUT into the SKY!

Somewhere out there, there is a woman that quietly takes care of her children while processing in silence her thoughts. Somewhere out there, there is a strong woman that does not let curved balls affect her path. Somewhere out there, there is a brave soul that endures sadness without anyone seeing a tear… Have you ever met one of them? I have, but they seem to be part of another time and another world…Why can’t I be one of them?

In days like today, I simply cannot breathe easily, walk calmly, or for that matter enjoy my blessings without feeling a burning whole eating me from the inside out. I want to scream what I have been dragging inside, I want to say STOP! And like a little child simply cry and cry until there are no more tears, to then receive that loving hug of a mother and the reassurance that everything will be all right.

I had decided to be a wife and a mother until death do us apart, but my family has been touched by an agonizing and deteriorating situation that has robbed us from that.

Thanks to my loving God I have three beautiful, healthy and active children, but I have lost the husband I vowed to love, not to death, but nonetheless lost him to something stronger than I.

How do I explain to my children that Dad still loves them? It is hard when they wait and wait and he doesn’t come back. How do I fill the gap left by his absence? I am just one person already weary and tired. How do I keep up without feeling the world collapsing at my feet? How do I gather energies to love and care for them appropriately when I feel I am running in low?

I wish I could control my pain, turn it off and put it away as I do with loud electronics. I wish my kids did not have to see the sadness in my eyes or the emotional exhaustion that sometimes eats my soul.

Today, I am just feeling my feelings and voicing them the best way I can. Through my silent words loudly up into the sky. I have to speak up without shame or remorse. I have to LET GO AND LET GOD control my future and fill my heart with his love. I know He will carry me through this in spite of my doubts and I must believe He will overflow my children’s heart with the joy only He can give. For now, I will slow down and quiet my soul to gather strengths from the right source and continue to be the mother my kids need me to be.